“Kindful” Speech
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the choice of my words and when to take action. When is it best to speak? When is it best to accept what a person is saying rather than mustering up a response? When is it best to say nothing at all? And how can I be discerning?
Being an active listener and listening with our whole body is actually quite challenging. Even more so, when we get into some of those more difficult/sticky conversations having the ability to respond rather than react or simply listen is often easier said than done.
This is where the practice of ahimsa (non-violence) or non-violent communication is handy and can foster nourishing engagement where both parties feel energized rather than criticized.
My wise teachers have given me two methods that have helped support me with what I like to call “kindful” communication. The reason I call it so, is that we can begin to listen to others by using our whole body (as though in meditation) tracking our nervous system by tuning in to our breath/body for tightness and tension) and being kind to ourselves and others by applying ahimsa and questions of discernment.
Firstly, should we decide to respond (speak) it’s important to ask ourselves these 3 questions:
Is it from a place of truth (satya) to the best of my knowledge?
Is it necessary?
Does it bring sweetness to life in the long term?
If the answer is “yes” to ALL 3, then speak/take action. If not, then relax your tongue, and say an internal prayer/affirmation/something nice to soften your heart.
It can be really easy to get into our common patterns of reactivity. For example, forming a response in our mind before someone is finished speaking, or saying something we regret. Becoming a “kindful” listener is a great opportunity for us to practice ahimsa and it might just deepen your connections.
Another tip by Michael Stone is to consider if what you are about to say is true or untrue.
Things to ask yourself:
If it’s true, is it beneficial or unbeneficial?
If it’s untrue, don’t speak.
But if it is true, consider if what you’re saying is beneficial to say or unbeneficial.
If it’s unbeneficial don’t speak (it can be true but if it’s not beneficial to the situation, then it’s better left unsaid).
But if it’s true and could be beneficial then you need to think…can the person you’re speaking to accept and receive what you’re about to say or not?
Say something if they can accept it. If they can’t hear it, pause and reflect. Wait for the right time instead.
It’s a great skill to learn how to speak at the right time. Give yourself and your relationships the time they deserve to reflect on your words and the intention behind your words as well.
Remember it’s not about being right, it’s about being connected whole-heartedly to ourselves and our loved ones.
