The Art of Practising Self-Compassion
As I continue in my work a common theme consistently shows up. What is the theme? Well, it’s that so many of us are incredibly hard on ourselves. Why is that? How come we beat ourselves up? This was a question I had to ask myself years ago, and I still have to re-visit at times to make sure I’m not falling into the default habit of berating myself for being human. It’s much easier to soften our hearts to others’ shortcomings, but for some reason loving ourselves and being kind to ourselves has become a tall order.
Sooo, when I begin working with clients and serving as a yoga teacher. I ALWAYS start with asking them where they are at on their journey of self-compassion and self-acceptance. This is also the first Yama in the 8-fold path of yoga which is known as ahimsa or non-violence (in body, mind and speech). When we begin our healing journey, we need a gentle voice inside us that gives us permission to make mistakes, that permits us to be perfectly imperfect, and that provides us with the love that is needed for real transformation to occur. The only way we can make real and long-lasting change is through developing self-love and kindness towards the self. I continue to experience this first-hand personally and have witnessed this in action in the lives of those I serve.
Here’s a few more details to share and to consider if you’re not familiar with what self-compassion is. I will also provide some ways to consider how you can integrate this practice.
What is compassion?
Compassion is defined and demonstrated in a variety of ways. Lazarus (1991, p. 289) suggested that compassion requires “being moved by another’s suffering and wanting to help.” In Buddhist psychology, the belief is that compassion for self is just as essential as compassion for others (Neff, 2003a). The Dalai Lama (2003) stated, “For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare … Caring for others requires caring for oneself” (p. 125).
What does it mean to be self-compassionate?
Self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend who is going through a hard time—even if your friend blew it or is feeling inadequate, or is just facing a tough life challenge. The more complete definition involves three core elements that we bring to bear in mind when we are in pain: self-kindness instead of self-judgment, common humanity instead of isolation, and mindfulness instead of over-identification with painful thoughts and emotions.
Self-kindness:
Ask yourself this question: Do you speak to yourself like you would speak to a friend? If not, you may need to practice the first element of self-compassion: self-kindness. Self-Kindness is the act of being understanding and warm towards ourselves when we are suffering. Instead of heaping on self-criticism or attempting to ignore our pain. It is the attitude that we can’t always achieve what we desire, that sometimes we fall short of our ideals. In these moments, the proper response is acceptance. If we deny or fight against our emotions, it will only lead to further suffering.
Common humanity:
Refers to the ability to recognize our failings and sufferings as part of the human experience. It’s part-in-parcel with being human. We are all fallible, imperfect, and mortal. None of us can be perfect, and to chase such an ideal will only lead to disappointment. This piece of self-compassion asks you to identify with all aspects of being a human. No person is uniquely alone or in pain. We will all face difficult circumstances at one point or another.
Mindfulness:
The third component of Neff’s (2003a) self-compassion is mindfulness, or the ability to have an awareness of feelings you are experiencing without avoiding them or over-identifying with them. When we are mindful, we observe our thoughts and experience our feelings without judgment or applying meaning; we hold our painful feelings as part of our experience; we do not cling to them or run away from them. We see things for what they are, and in some ways we give ourselves a reality check (Neff, 2011). Many of us engage in behaviors that temporarily numb the feelings we are having. For example, when we start feeling anxious we grab our phone and zone out for an hour, or when we feel sad we run to food to make us feel better. If instead of such actions, when we practice mindfulness, we hold that anxiety or sadness and acknowledge it. We would feel it and not attach meaning or judgment to it; we would not try to hide from it, and we would not over identify with the feelings either. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental state where we simply observe what is going on inside of us.
How does self-compassion relate to yoga?
According to the Yoga Sutras (1.33), one way to purify the mind and increase serenity is to practice compassion (karuna) in the face of suffering.
Practicing yoga presents us with many opportunities for exploring self-compassion. Ahimsa, which translates as non-harming or non-violence is the foundation on which our yoga practice rests. It is the first of the yamas, the ethical guidelines laid out in Patanjali’s eightfold path of yoga and encompasses our words, thoughts, and actions.
The Sanskrit word ahimsa comes from the root word “hims,” which means to strike. As is common with many Sanskrit words, preceding the root word with the letter “a” turns it into its opposite. In yoga, ahimsa is synonymous with self-kindness, self-compassion, and self-care.
The word yoga comes from the Sanskrit root word “yuj,” which means the union of body, mind, and spirit. In yoga, we listen deeply to our body’s inner wisdom, and our actions are in alignment with an intrapersonal attunement.
Practicing self-compassion on and off the mat:
In the third chapter of the yoga sutras, Patanjali discusses samyama or integration, which combines concentration, meditation, and Samadhi—the sixth, seventh, and eighth limbs of yoga. Samyama is often understood to be the source of yoga’s “superpowers,” but it can also be simply defined as recognizing the macrocosm within the microcosm: As above so below. How you do asana reflects how you do life. And how you treat yourself ripples outward.
Self-compassion is not merely a state of being or quality; it’s a practice, and we learn it through experience. During asana, pranayama, meditation, and other yoga practices, we learn to observe and befriend the body and mind, developing self-awareness and discernment.
Over time, we discover when we need to be firm, and when we need to surrender. We begin to realize how our experiences in the microcosm—shoulder tightness in Parsvottanasana, for example—relate to the macrocosm. Does forcing the shoulders back truly open the heart? Or is it more effective to soften the restrictions with a spirit of self-compassion?
For example, one of the simplest ways to develop self-compassion is through breath awareness. The ego often lies to protect itself, but the breath honestly mirrors the mind and emotions. Practical and accessible, this lesson is one way we can take our yoga practice on the mat and into the world beyond.
The Physiology of Self-Criticism and Self-Compassion:
When we criticize ourselves we’re tapping into the body’s threat-defense system (sometimes referred to as our reptilian brain). Among the many ways we can react to perceived danger, the threat-defense system is the quickest and most easily triggered.
This means that self-criticism is often our first reaction when things go wrong.
Feeling threatened puts stress on the mind and body, and chronic stress can cause anxiety and depression, which is why habitual self-criticism is so bad for emotional and physical well-being. With self-criticism, we are both the attacker and the attacked.
Compassion, including self-compassion, is linked to the mammalian care system. That’s why being compassionate to ourselves when we feel inadequate makes us feel safe and cared for, like a child held in a warm embrace. Self-compassion helps to down-regulate the threat response. When the stress response (fight–flight–freeze) is triggered by a threat to our self-concept, we are likely to turn on ourselves in an unholy trinity of reactions. We fight ourselves (self-criticism), we flee from others (isolation), or we freeze (rumination).
When we practice self-compassion, we are deactivating the threat-defense system and activating the care system. Oxytocin and endorphins are released, which helps reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.
Your inner light:
If being hard on yourself is counterproductive, why do you do it? According to Kate Holcombe, the founder of the Healing Yoga Foundation in San Francisco, she explains that a self-critical approach to change—including the self-judgment, fear, shame, and guilt that often accompany it—reflects what Patanjali calls avidya (which she translates as "incorrect understanding") and asmita ("false identification"). Basically, you're mistaking the behavior you want to change for who you are, rather than seeing it for what it is—a pattern or a habit that's not serving you. "A fundamental principle of yoga is that, deep inside, you are truly perfect just as you are," she says. When you recognize yourself as fundamentally perfect instead of focusing on your flaws, you can see your negative patterns without judgment.
Patanjali says that the mind is like a brilliant gem, a diamond," Holcombe explains. "Over a lifetime, that shiny diamond gets dirty, dusty, coated over by conditioned thoughts and the experiences we have. We lose touch with our inner brilliance—the light of the inner Self—and can't even remember that it's there. Yoga is the process of cleaning the mind and whatever is blocking the inner light—the part of you that doesn't need to be fixed, controlled, or perfected. When you think of changing a pattern that's not serving you in this way—that is, as cleaning away accumulated dust of the mind, which blocks your just-right Self—it causes you to view the negative behavior from a more compassionate point of view.
Being human does not mean being better than others. Being human means you encompass the full range of human experience, the positive, the negative and the neutral. Being human means you are average in many ways. Can you celebrate the experience of being human?
Conclusion:
Yoga offers an alternative approach for making positive changes in your life: self-compassion. One of the messages in yoga's seminal scripture, the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali, is that self-transformation doesn't happen overnight, but you can overcome negative patterns one step at a time. If you are gentle with yourself and accept your setbacks with compassion, you can change your life for the better. New scientific research is giving this ancient wisdom credence and showing that, when it comes to making a change, self-compassion is your greatest source of strength. So, whether you want to change a negative behavior (like overeating or snapping at your kids) or commit to a positive one (like meditating every day), the best approach is to cultivate self-compassion and tap into its power, so that you can stick to your resolutions—and build a better life.
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Books & Resources:
18 Best Self-Compassion Books for a Peaceful Life (positivepsychology.com)
References:
https://www.productiveflourishing.com/self-compassion-vs-self-care/
https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/
https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/nurture-the-new-you
https://empoweredu.ca/empowered-blog/self-compassion/
https://www.yogabasics.com/connect/
https://kripalu.org/resources/yoga-self-compassion-and-accepting-inner-critic
