Transgenerational Forgiveness: Healing Old Wounds
Not all of us are so fortunate to have a solid and healthy relationship with our parents. A practice that might be supportive to you in coming closer to a space and place of forgiveness and acceptance, which I learned from my teacher is to visualize your parents when they were young. Before they were parents, before they had you before they even knew you would be a part of this world. Maybe you visualize them as a little child too, recognizing that this part of them still exists within them, just as it does in you.
When we look at our parents through this lens we can begin to distance ourselves from their actions and behaviours that might drive us crazy, and acknowledge that maybe their own inner child might still need some tending to. Now, I’m not saying that it’s our job to heal their wounds, but it could be a helpful exercise in remembering that we are perfectly imperfect beings who can hurt people when we are hurting, so if we can start tending to our own unmet needs we can be a light to others including our parents.
If you have a parent or parents who came from difficult home lives, and who received little guidance on parenting and how to live in the world, then chances are they have unresolved childhood wounds that negatively affect how they related and cared for you as their child. Needless to say, we can say that transgenerational transfer and trauma ran their course, which means unintentional wounding of their children ie. YOU.
The reason I like to introduce this visualization exercise into the healing process of inner child work/forgiveness work etc. is that too often we get stuck thinking of our parents as just “parents”, and what they should have done or should be doing as our “parents”. It can be helpful to remember that they are more than that…something I have to remind myself of as well.
Now I am not saying that it’s okay that they treated you with disrespect, or that it’s okay that you didn’t feel heard, seen, or valued, or that you should just get over the hurt/pain, but it can be helpful to start seeing the harm caused as less personal. You are not unloveable, there is nothing wrong with you and you deserve to be loved.
We don’t have to continue to carry old wounds. How can you begin to give yourself the love and care you need/needed? What other relationships in your life can provide you with the felt-sense experience of being treasured and cherished? We are such complicated little onions, so be kind to yourself as you work through your childhood wounds and practice self-compassion first, so you can extend that love and acceptance outwards. It’s a daily practice.
Journal exercise:
Questions to ask yourself:
What patterns, belief systems, behaviours or habits did you learn from your parents that no longer serve you? How do these affect you today?
If you could release these patterns, what would you life look like?
Are there any emotions passed down from your parents that show up consistently? How do these emotions affect you today?
If you could release these emotions, what would you life look like?
What have you learned from these patterns, belief systems, behaviours, habits, and emotions?
Resources, Books, & Talks:
The Dharma of Attachment Theory 2 (Heart Practices for a Secure Base)
Seals, Owls & Letting Go of Destructive Relationships
Book:
