Understanding Codependency: The Dance of Dysfunctional Relationships

If you've ever watched Dancing with the Stars, you know that a successful partnership requires deep understanding, trust, and harmony between partners. However, what happens when this "dance" is dysfunctional, with one partner constantly sacrificing for the other, and the other thriving on control and admiration? This is the essence of codependency.

Codependency often involves two people: one who gives endlessly (the codependent) and one who takes relentlessly (the narcissist). These partners may seem to "dance" effortlessly together, but their relationship is rooted in imbalance and emotional drain. The codependent sacrifices their own needs, while the narcissist demands attention without reciprocating.

The Codependent-Narcissistic Dance

In the beginning, a relationship between a codependent and a narcissist may seem ideal—exciting, passionate, and effortless. The codependent provides constant care and validation, while the narcissist takes the lead, feeling powerful and in control. This dynamic feels "natural" to both because it mimics patterns they may have experienced growing up, especially if one or both had emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parents.

But over time, the codependent feels drained and unappreciated, while the narcissist becomes more demanding. Despite this, the codependent stays because they fear being alone, or because they don't believe they deserve a healthier relationship. The narcissist stays because they enjoy the control and admiration they receive.

Why Codependents Are Drawn to Narcissists

Codependents are often drawn to narcissists because they’ve learned, through childhood experiences, that love comes from sacrifice and caretaking. If a child grows up with emotionally distant or demanding parents, they may unconsciously seek out relationships that replicate this familiar dynamic. In adulthood, the codependent might gravitate toward someone who needs them, despite the emotional toll it takes on them.

The Consequences of Codependency

While the relationship may appear to function smoothly, both partners suffer emotionally. The codependent feels neglected, unappreciated, and stuck in a cycle of giving without receiving. The narcissist, meanwhile, feels entitled to the codependent's attention and care but is unwilling to reciprocate.

The emotional cost of this relationship is high for both individuals, yet neither partner has the tools to break the cycle.

Healing Codependency

The first step in healing codependency is recognizing the unhealthy dynamic. Codependents need to understand that their worth is not defined by what they can do for others but by who they are as individuals. Healing involves developing self-love, self-care, and healthy boundaries. Many codependents have internalized feelings of shame from childhood attachment trauma, which they need to address in order to break free from dysfunctional patterns.

Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg, in his book The Human Magnet Syndrome, explains that healing codependency is about reversing the cycle of external dependence and internal shame. By working through these patterns, codependents can rebuild their self-esteem and learn to choose healthier, more reciprocal relationships.

Yoga as a Tool for Healing

Yoga is a powerful practice for codependents, helping them reconnect with themselves and cultivate self-compassion. Through practices like BRFWA (Breathe, Relax, Feel, Watch, Allow), codependents can learn to observe their emotional triggers without judgment. This increased self-awareness helps them shift old, unhelpful behaviours.

Yoga also teaches balance—learning to give to oneself as much as one gives to others. This balance is essential for breaking the cycle of codependency and building healthy relationships based on mutual care and respect.

Moving Forward: Healthier Relationships

To heal from codependency, it's essential to prioritize self-care, set boundaries, and seek relationships based on equality and mutual respect. Codependents need to recognize their own worth and learn that love does not require sacrifice at the expense of their own well-being. Through therapy, self-reflection, and practices like yoga, codependents can break free from toxic patterns and create healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Conclusion

The codependent-narcissistic dance may feel familiar, but it is ultimately draining and unfulfilling. By recognizing these patterns, healing the emotional wounds that fuel them, and cultivating self-love, codependents can learn to "dance" to a healthier rhythm—one based on mutual care, respect, and emotional fulfillment.

Resources & References:

Cultivating Self-Love to Heal Codependcy- Kripalu

The Seals and The Owls (letting go do destructive relationships)- A Talk by Michael Stone

Melody Beattie- A wealth of information on ALL things codependency (she’s an expert on this stuff)