The Disease To Please
Throughout my late teens and mid 20s, I spent a lot of time being overly concerned about the welfare of others. So much so, I had little awareness of what I needed. I would bend over backwards to ensure everyone else was happy, even at the expense of my own well-being. I remember reading a book about self-awareness, where the author described three types of awareness: outwardly self-aware (focusing solely on others), inwardly self-aware (consumed by one’s own needs), and truly self-aware (balancing both self and others). At that time, I fell squarely into the first category—I was completely oblivious to my own needs. I thought being hyper-aware of others made me a good friend, partner, and person, but in reality, it didn’t lead to healthy relationships or authentic connection. Instead, it left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.
A turning point came when a therapist recommended a book called The Disease to Please. For the first time, I saw my people-pleasing tendencies for what they were: a pattern of behaviour rooted in unconscious survival mechanisms. This realization was both freeing and painful, as it forced me to confront how my actions were harming both myself and my relationships. Now in my 30s, I look back with compassion and a desire to help others recognize and heal their own people-pleasing tendencies before they take a toll on their lives.
So, where does people-pleasing come from? Often, it’s a trauma response known as fawning. Fawning is one of the four primary trauma responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. It involves appeasing others to avoid conflict or danger. For those who grew up in homes with unsafe, unpredictable, or overly critical caregivers, fawning might have been a way to survive. This behaviour becomes ingrained, leading us to prioritize others' needs to maintain a sense of safety and belonging.
Overcoming people-pleasing starts with self-awareness and compassion. Here are some tools to help you heal and cultivate a more authentic, self-affirming way of living:
1. Practice Self-Love and Self-Acceptance
Start a Self-Care Routine: Dedicate time each day to activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit.
Affirmations: Practice daily affirmations to reinforce your worth and value independent of others’ approval.
Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small.
2. Build Authentic Relationships
Be Honest About Your Needs: Communicate openly and vulnerably with trusted friends and loved ones.
Surround Yourself with Support: Seek relationships that uplift and support you rather than drain you.
3. Strengthen Boundaries
Learn to Say No: Practice saying “no” to requests that don’t align with your values or well-being.
Use "I" Statements: Clearly express your feelings and needs without blaming others.
4. Incorporate the Yamas and Niyamas from Yoga Philosophy
The yamas and niyamas, ethical principles from yoga, provide a framework for balanced living. Here’s how they can guide your journey:
Ahimsa (Non-violence): Be kind to yourself by setting boundaries and avoiding self-sacrifice.
Satya (Truthfulness): Honor your authentic self by being honest about your feelings and needs.
Asteya (Non-stealing): Avoid stealing time and energy from yourself by overcommitting to others.
Tapas (Discipline): Cultivate the discipline to stay committed to your self-care and boundaries.
Swadhyaya (Self-study): Reflect on your patterns and triggers to understand the roots of your people-pleasing tendencies.
5. Develop Resilience and Self-Compassion
Journaling: Reflect on your feelings and experiences to deepen your understanding of yourself.
Therapy or Coaching: Work with a professional to explore the roots of your behavior and develop healthier patterns.
Mindfulness Practices: Engage in meditation or mindful breathing to reconnect with your inner self.
By integrating these practices, you can move toward a life that’s rooted in authenticity and balance. Healing from people-pleasing is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and remember that your worth isn’t tied to how much you do for others—it’s inherent and unwavering.
If you’re just starting on this path, know that you’re not alone. Many women have walked this road and found their way to empowerment and self-love. It’s never too late to rewrite your story and build a life that honours your true self.
If you’d like to work with me let’s chat! I offer free 15-minute discovery calls.
Resources, inspiration, and References:
Talk: FAWNING: The fourth “F” of threat reactions: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn; Accommodating, Appeasing and Deferring to Those Who Have Harmed Us -Dharma Punx
Talk: THE PARADOX OF PEOPLE PLEASING | The Slumflower Hour podcast
Book: The Disease To Please, by Harriet Braiker
